Transitions

Today is the first day of the 3 day "Basic" seminar. It is official. I am moving from paperwork and administration to Pilates. I feel nervous- I'm even shaking a bit (although that may be the 2 cups of coffee).

The nerves are not about the class. It's about the sudden real-ness of this change. I've been training and preparing for almost 8 months now, so it has always seemed pretty far away. Now it is here! The nerves are definitely mixed with excitement- I've been wanting to do this, and now I have the chance. Valerie has a quote from Jack London on her blog (The Road Lots Travelled), about the point of life is not to exist, but to live. I think I am making steps in that direction. Side note- if you have not read Val's blog yet, do it! She is friggin' hilarious, and has had some pretty cool adventures!

In the TV show "LOST", when people travel through time, they have to have a "constant", a person that grounds them in both the past and the future. I think it is the same for transitions. Having some connection to your old world and your new at the same time makes it smoother and easier. I am blessed enough to have many constants: Chris (who loved me as an insurance administrator, and has been my biggest cheerleader for this change), my apartment (didn't have to pick up and move to make this happen), even my job situation, as my boss has agreed to have me work on some projects at an hourly rate.

So I don't feel totally at sea in my new life. I'm in a lifeboat, with lines to solid ships. I feel like I could let go of some of the lines, or I can ride with them all. Right now it is a nice place to be. We will have to see if that remains, or if one of the lines starts to tug a little harder than the others.

So, why do transitions, even ones you are excited about, cause fear and nervousness? It seems a shame to let your happiness get overrun, even just occasionally, by fear of the unknown. Isn't the unknown what makes life worth the living, not just the existing? If we knew it all ahead of time, it would a pretty boring way to live. You may not have the fear, but you also would not have the excitement, anticipation or surprise. So, maybe fear, rather than prescience, is a good trade.

Making a new body

Again, a shameful lack of posting! I'm going through a deep journal writing phase right now, that will hopefully lead to more blogging. But right now, I'm not ready to share it with the world.

What I am ready to share is news many of you have been hoping for (No, I'm NOT pregnant! Why did you think that first?). I am working conscientiously toward gaining weight. Basically, my body has hit the plateau for muscle mass. At my current weight, I simply cannot get any stronger. I need more protein and iron to make more muscle. With all of the Pilates I have been doing, I need more strength. Pilates was made originally for men, by a man after all.

Hearing this was a shock. I think I'm pretty strong! I certainly look very toned. But that is a deceptive thing about long limbs. They look great with not much work. So I will be working to build more strength in my core and arm/shoulders especially.

There are 2 challenges with this new quest for strength:
1. Gaining weight is foreign to me. I have weighed between 110 and 115 for the past 5 years (for me a "healthy" weight). Moving beyond these numbers is actually going to take effort- to put it on, and then not freak out about it. Hopefully, really wanting to do this Pilates program will be enough motivation for me.
2. How do I do it?
A. Supplements/Bars? I have tried Muscle Milk- yucky aftertaste and it made my stomach hurt. Chris did whey protein a while ago and it made him break out in hives. The Trader Joe's Vanilla stuff is really gritty, but mixes well into oatmeal. I don't know that I could drink it straight, but Travis tells me if I combine it with ice cream, it's better (isn't everything better when combined with ice cream?). Most of the bars taste like dirt. Or cost a lot of money
B. Vitamins? I should probably be doing this anyway.....
C. Diet? Still not a big read meat fan. And the more I read about the food farms/cattle raising habits, the more I am conviced not to eat it. I guess the free-range, organic is the way to go, which is what I try to do with our poultry and eggs. But, then again, cost becomes a factor.

I will try to keep this updated with my adventures in protein-rich food. So far, gold star for Trader Joe's Natural Peanut Butter!

Car Accident

I had a car accident yesterday. My first one ever. I'm so mad at myself, as I believe it was my fault. Thankfully I am fine, he is fine, my car is not too bad, I can still drive it at least. And this is why we have car insurance, to pay for these things. I still feel pretty dumb.

It emphasizes my control-freak, perfectionist mentality. I can't handle making a mistake. Or acknowledging that there are areas in my life where I do not get to dictate what happens. That is scary!